I love the sound of hard rain. It sounds like a million ants trekking across my window. The staccato pitter patter is soothing. At the same time this type of rain brings back unwanted memories yet brings me back to a time of personal victory.
When my divorce first started it was during spring. We tend to get a lot of rain that time of year. We were in my son's bedroom talking. It had been a hard few years up to that point. We didn't talk much. We didn't even sleep in the same bed most nights. Oddly enough we didn't argue much either. After many years together we simply grew apart. We had 3 kids.
I still remember the scene. We were in my son's bedroom and I said it, 'I think I want a divorce.' I don't think I was sure at the time that it was what I really wanted. I just knew that we didn't belong together anymore. She wanted a trial separation. I agreed.
The first few weeks were some of the most trying, toughest weeks of my life. I'm a proud father. I love my kids more than life itself. I had to endure days of not having them with me. I remember one particular afternoon I was in the garage of an my house, trying to stay busy. Nothing I did took my mind off how quiet the house was. Finally I reached a breaking point. I simply cried. I don't know how long I sat there and cried but it was a good, hard cry. Not having my kids all the time was breaking me.
After some time I learned to live with it. We settled on a custody schedule. I'd have them for a week. She'd have them for a week. This was the best compromise.
In my off weeks I spent a lot of time reflecting. On Saturdays I would wake up and have breakfast at a little coffee shop nearby. I sat by myself. I wrote a lot. I read a lot.
I dated some here and there. It was interesting. I found out a lot about myself. One woman I dated was absolutely beautiful. She had a son. I found out I have no tolerance for kids with no discipline. That didn't last long. The person I dated the longest was someone from my past. I knew her from high school. I was out one day running errands and ran into a friend from college. She said that her and her friend were talking about me recently. Coincidental timing. I remembered her friend. I didn't know her that well. We had a few classes together but that was it. We exchanged numbers and she said she'd give my number to her friend.
Her friend sent me a text the next day. We went back and forth for a few days and decided to catch a movie. The date was actually pretty good. We hit it off. We had instant chemistry. We decided to go back to my house after the movie. As soon as the front door shut we closed that empty space between two people just before a kiss. We didn't even speak. I took her by her hand and led her to my room. I undressed her and laid her down. It was the first sex I had in months. It was amazing. We seemed to connect physically.
But she had issues. I looked at her issues, trying to figure out how I could help. Then I figured out I had issues of my own. I mean, I knew I had issues. I just didn't know they ran so deep. In the end I decided that I was not fit to be in relationship. It would be doomed. I needed to fix myself. I needed to heal. It was just the divorce. I just wasn't a happy person. I didn't love myself. I spent so much of my life loving other people, helping other people...I never took the time to help and love myself.
I went back to coffee shop and did some more soul searching. For some reason the weather always knew what Saturday I'd be there because it always rained. It's like the rain gave me a rhythm to breathe too. Each breath relaxing me more and more.
Ultimately I found myself. I found a good middle ground for who I am and who I am to others. I haven't been back to that coffee shop in years. I think it's best left as a reminder of those times. I have no business there now. I'm balanced. I'm whole. I love again. I can only thank the rain.
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