Long week

It's been a long week. I'm on call for work so that usually means I'm stuck behind a laptop or least always have my laptop at hand just in case I get paged for work. Overall it hasn't been bad but being on call usually keeps me from doing anything of note. I hate going places only to be paged while I'm there. So when I'm on call I just sit and vegetate.

I haven't worked out at all. I've been battling back aches. My back just gets sore from time to time for no real reason at all. When it's bad I feel the pain in my legs, usually my left leg. If there was a such a thing as a back transplant I'd be all over it.

It's just been busy for me this week. I've been trying to get some stuff around the house done and school starts next week for the kids. In between that, work, and transitioning from summer to school I welcome a normal, non busy week. We're doing our last bit of shopping this weekend and we're finally done.

I lied, a non busy week doesn't exist in my life. Even though school starts next week I don't get a break. One son starts football and another is still in bjj. In fact, we're traveling out of state for a bjj tournament the week school starts. Its going to be a huge tournament. It's going to be a good test to see where my youngest is at skill wise. He'll smash his opponents. I'm pretty sure.

This Saturday I'm signing up for bjj myself. It's been a long time coming. I've always loved the sport/martial art. I love the science of it. I see it as a chess match. It's not predicated on strength or size. It's a martial art that's all about technique. I really enjoy the minutiae of it. Little details could mean a loss versus a win. I'm something of bjj nerd. I spend a lot of time watching videos and reading articles on technique. At first I did it for my son. As I got more and more into it I started to realize how much it appeals to me. So now that school shopping is done, bjj is what I'm spending my money on. I'm so looking foward to it.

My plan for this weekend more bjj (doesn't my life seem to revolve around it lately??) and some final shopping for school. Otherwise it's just time to relax.

Pretty shit post huh? Thanks for reading it!

Weekend wrapup

My weightloss is stalled. I've been stuck at the same weight for 2 weeks now. It's probably due to the fact that I suck at working out for the most part. My eating was okay last week. We had a lot of family outings so that threw a monkey wrench in my eating. Que sera, sera.

I got some horrible news last week. I found out my Godmother is dying. She's been battling cancer for the last few years. The doctors said she has 6 months to live. Then again they said that same thing 3 years ago. I'll dive into this particular subject more later. Upon hearing the news we did what we always do, get together for dinner and a bbq. For some reason we always look for a time to get together and eat. We're sad? We bbq. We're happy? We bbq. It's a strange juxtaposition of emotions and coping.

Saturday my youngest had a bjj tournament. He killed it once again. I had him bumped up an age group so he could use submissions but unfortunately there was no one in that age group that signed up that was close to his weight. So he competed with kids his own age without the ability to submit his opponent. It was more of a positional sparring match. He dominated both his opponents, giving up zero points. His first match was bumped back. His opponent saw him and started crying right before his match. He remembered my son from a previous tournament in which my son choked him out. He saw my son and immediately decided he didn't want to compete against him. The boy's coach and the ref decided to have him watch my son against another opponent. It probably didn't help because my son dominated him easily. After some coaxing and encouragment the other boy decided he'd give it a go. It wasn't close either but he put up a great fight.

I was kind of torn about it in my own head. Yes these are kids but this is also a tournament. If you sign up there's a good chance that you're going to go against a kid that's pretty damn good if you're not that kid. At the same time, where's your sense of competitive spirit? My son goes hard without much prompting from me. Maybe he inherited that alpha male spirit from me. On the other hand I wonder how much this kid wanted to be here versus how much his dad wanted him to be here?

I spoke with the kid's dad for a bit in between matches and turns out his kid has been training for a little over a year. Perhaps it's a nod to how good my son is that he's only been training 3 months and is this dominant. Perhaps I'm just a proud papa too.

After the tournament we went over to my Godparent's house and had dinner. It was a good time. We were there with about 20 or so people just enjoying each other's company.

Sunday I slept in, getting some much needed rest. We met up with my mom and went to the local farmer's market and did a little shopping. If you have a farmer's market in your area I encourage you to go to it. The deals on fresh fruit and vegetables are unbelievable and your supporting your local farmers. When I purchase most anything, I always try to spend money locally first with the local business and mom and pop shops.

After the farmer's market we all went to eat at Red Robin....yum! We all parted ways and the kids came over to do some school shopping. Thank the Lord that they didn't mind doing it online. Not only did we find great deals, we did from the comfort of our own home minus all the craziness the mall can be this time of year.

Oh and I woke up with a stiff neck on Saturday! That really sucked. You don't realize how often you actually turn your head until your neck is stiff. I'm happy to report that as of this writing it's pretty much back to normal.

My goals from last week:

• Vacuum car...I know...I know (hahahahahaha! NOPE!)
• Yoga 3 times (I got in two sessions)
• Run twice (See the first goal)

I'll just repeat my goals from last week this since I failed miserably. Mixed bag last week but I made the best of it. Enjoy your week.

Hump Day Rambings

I did yoga last night! I'm actually pretty proud of myself for that. I'm sore now. Thanks yoga! I think
my body just isn't used to doing yoga. For those that haven't ever tried it before, it's a real workout. I literally sweat while doing it. I'm sure my body fat percentage plays a role in it but it really gets my heart rate up.

The ex is starting to fall off again. She went through a 2 week phase of being there for the kids and their activities but now she's a ghost. Typical. She does this from time to time. She's always physically there but when it comes to helping out with the kids she's not always there. She acts more like the weekend parent. You know that parent that only gets the kids every other weekend and always does fun stuff? That. She's taken the kids to the lake twice in the last few weeks, bought two rabbits, but I don't think she's taken the kids school shopping yet. She was even showing up to practice. Maybe she's trying to impress the new boyfriend, who just so happens to be a nice guy.

The older kids realize it, my youngest not so much...yet. I'm sure he will. You can only be the weekend parent for so long before the kids see it.

I was at the gas station today and the lines were long. There were 2 cashiers. As I'm headed to pay for my drinks another cashier opened up. The cashier did the right thing and offered to help the next guy in the closest line. A guy from another line sees the new cashier and makes a bee line towards her. He tries to jump in front of not only me, but everyone else in front of him and me. So he heads my direction since I'm closer to the new cashier and I immediately step in his path as if to block him. He looks at me like I'm in his way. I say, "Excuse you" to him. He kind of smiles at me. I can be imposing when needed. He knew he was wrong. So he backed up and let the people in front of him go first. You can call me the Cashier Avenger.

Weekend wrapup

So my week got weirder and weirder as it went on. The weekend hit and it got even worse.

To start, I put on a pound. I sort of expected that being that we had a family get together on Sunday. We celebrated my nephew's birthday with tons of food like we usually do. At that point I was just so off kilter that I said, 'Fuck it, eat.'

I got very little exercise in last week. I think I did yoga twice but that's about it. I need to change that. The crazy part is that my calves are so as if I went running a lot last week. I didn't run at all but my calves are still killing me. Not even sure why.

With school coming up we decided to do some school shopping. We're breaking up our shopping into 3 trips so we aren't spending a ton all at once. Having 4 kids to shop for gets pricey, especially since 3 of 4 kids wear adult sized clothing and shoes. It just makes more sense that way.

This trip was shoes. We went to the Nike outlet near us and didn't find anything. My oldest son was looking for a particular pair of Nike's but they didn't have them there. Normally we have pretty good luck finding good shoes at the Nike outlet but it was cleaned out from all the other families with the same idea. From there we headed to the mall.

I was quickly reminded how much I hate the mall this time of year. It's crowded. It's busy. It's picked over. None of which I care for at all. It's not too bad for girls so my daughter has a really good luck finding stuff. For my oldest boy it kind of sucked. He's at an age where he doesn't want to necessarily look like every one else. A lot of the kids wear the same brands here. He wants to wear similar styles but different brands. He wants to be a trendsetter. Shopping online works better for him.  That being said we were at the mall strictly for shoes.

My oldest boy found some shoes. One down. My daughter found a killer deal on boots and ended up getting two pairs. My youngest settled on a pair of Vans, he already has one pair of sneakers for school that we've been saving for 3 years. I found a pair of Nikes 3 years ago at the outlet and bought them for a screaming deal. I've been storing them until the day he fits them. I do that for a lot of sneakers. If I find them cheap I buy them even if they don't fit them knowing they will one day. My youngest has a really nice collection of vintage sneakers thanks to me.

 After we left the store, the girls went into another store. The boys waited outside. We see them coming out and we get up to leave. We get about 10 feet away and my youngest forgot his bag. We go back and it's GONE. Someone swiped it. Of course no on turned it in. Luckily it was only $35 but I was still pissed that my youngest forgot them. He has a tendency to be forgetful. We're working on that.

So we walk the mall looking for kids/teens that have the same bag. I fully understood that we weren't going to find his shoes but I needed to walk off my anger.  The kids stop to use the restroom and I'm standing in the middle of the mall, my eyes scanning everyone's bag as they pass.

Suddenly I see this kid walk by with a girl. I look at him. We make eye contact and my brain fires. I know this kid, but it doesn't immediately register where I know him from. My brain was still angry at my son for losing the shoes we just bought and yet it was calming down because my son is still my baby boy. As you can imaging it was a real conflict.

The familiar kid walks by without a change of expression.

The kids come out of the bathroom and it clicks. That's my long lost, estranged son. I tell my daughter that I think I just saw my son, her brother. She would know because she ran into him at the same mall roughly a year ago and introduced her self.

A little background on this son. I was in my early 20s I dated this girl. Then I met another girl who would become my now ex wife. How ghetto does that sound? I ended up getting the first girl pregnant when I met my ex. I really wanted to be with my ex. So the 'other' woman and I split up while she was pregnant. I told her that I would be there for the baby but I wouldn't date her. She agreed, at the time. As things with the now ex got more serious the other woman got more and more upset. Long story short, I ended up getting a restraining order on her due to an assault and some property damage. The other woman went crazy. I told her that if this kept up I would be gone completely. I left.

Fucked up. I know. At the time it was all that I could think of doing. I wanted to marry the now ex but I didn't want to deal with all the craziness that came with having a kid with the other woman. Hindsight is 20/20 and I should've toughed it out. The now ex and I went on to get married and have 3 kids. We were together for many years before divorcing. The other woman haunted me every day.

I never saw my son. I did find him through various sources. I kept tabs on him from a distance thanks to social networking and the internet. I paid child support all those years but I never actually saw him. He led a good life. He grew up to be a wonderful kid. He played sports and was his school's ASB vice president.

On a whim one day I looked him up. Turns out they moved back to our town after being on the east coast for most of his life. I reached out to him and we started corresponding online. It went well. We had so much in common. He even looks like me, just more handsome. Then one day it stopped. Out of the blue he just stopped talking to me. I can only imagine why. My guess is that his mom, the other woman, found out. I told him that I wanted to keep things above board. If he felt comfortable, tell his mom we talked. I think she flipped out, rightfully so, at us talking and forbade him from talking to me again. His loyalty to his mom is probably the clincher. I can't blame him.

What would I do if my biological father suddenly showed up in my life? I can't answer that because I don't know. (Maybe this was more than a little background but consider yourself informed now!)

Back to the mall...

We decide to head his direction. I decided to approach him. I see him in the distance and make my way towards him. I walk up to him and call his name as I approach. He nods as if to acknowledge what's about to happen. I then ask if we could talk outside. He simply looks at me with a confused face and says, "I can't do this right now." I ask if he was sure he didn't want to talk, he repeats that he can't do it right now and takes off. He didn't so much run as he did walk quickly away. The look on his face broke my heart. He looked as confused as one could be in this situation. The fixer in me wanted to make things right. The other part of me wanted to let him go to process all that happened in that 10 second encounter. Imagine 18 years of anger, guilt, and questions all rolled into 10 seconds. That's what it probably felt like. I'm sorry that he had to go through that. I silently apologized to him.

On the plus side I did manage to forget my youngest losing his brand new shoes.

I don't know how I feel about things. Part of me wants to just say fuck it, I tried. It makes me want to close that part of my life down permanently. The other part of me keeps hope alive.

My weekend.

Goals for this week:

• Vacuum car...I know...I know
• Yoga 3 times
• Run twice

Weird week

It's been a weird week for me. I can't really explain why.  It just has been. It doesn't help that I'm on call for work either. Maybe I'll talk through it and figure it out.

Part of it may be that my schedule has been off kilter a bit. As much as I like flying by the seat of my pants, at the same time I'm a creature of habit. I know it sounds so conflicting. If you read back a few posts I mention that I was once tested at 51% right brained and 49% left brained. My habits are the perfect manifestation of that. My need for spontaneity and structure embody it.

The weather has changed here. We've gone from steady 80*-90* days to damp, dark days. Typical weather for us. That probably has a lot to do with it too. When I was in college we had a row of special desks that simulated sun for California kids in the library. The theory was students from California came here and would get depressed at the damp weather. The desk would give them a dose of sunlight to keep them from getting depressed. I'm not saying I'm depressed, I'm too pragmatic for that. I'm probably just feeling the effects of the change in weather. It's kind like an old man with a bum knee. When it gets cold he feels the effects of the weather in his bum knee. I guess that means I have a bum brain?

Free time, I've had more of it than usual this week. We didn't have practice of any sort for 2 days this week. I'm used to running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to get the kids to their practices. Having a few hours of my day back has me out of sorts me thinks.

The good thing about all of this is it doesn't take me long to figure things out. I just haven't taken the time to process the week. Once I take the time, it all feels better. I go back to being grounded. A nice run speeds up the process too.  So tonight that's the plan. Run around with the kids and come home for some 'me' time. I'll put throw on my running shoes and leave me troubles trailing behind me.

Weekend wrapup

Amazing week last week! I lost 3lbs just by eating right! My exercise was so-so but I ate fairly clean. I even managed to go to a bbq on Saturday and Sunday. Because I ate clean during the week I was able to indulge a little bit.

Saturday I went to my a bbq for my newborn niece. It was a small bbq by our standards. They only invited a few families, ones they were close to. Included in those families were people we knew from past years of football and wrestling. I was listening to the conversation and found out that two of the families were walking away from their houses. They were so upside down that they just stopped making payments and were willing to get foreclosed on. It was pretty sad.

One of the dads from the other families is also one of our wrestling coaches. It was his idea to get my youngest in to bjj.  He told us that ever since he started coaching him he knew that bjj would be a perfect fit. I told him that my son was getting promoted on Monday and he was so excited! He said he was so happy that he could help my son find something he was passionate about. I swear he was about to tear up. This coach used to compete in bjj, no-gi to be exact. He's always been the one coach to really teach my youngest. On a team of 100+ kids it's hard to get personal attention. He went out of his way to really coach my son. For that I'm thankful. My son is getting promoted on Monday to yellow belt. He's that good! He asked if he could come to the promotion, of course I said yes. He said he's going to be so proud.

Saturday I also spent some time ferrying my oldest boy around to various skate parks. I didn't mind at all.  I was just glad my oldest found something he loves. He loves to ride BMX. He loves going to skate parks to practice new tricks. I probably logged a good 100 miles on Saturday just driving him around. It's my job as a father to help keep that passion alive.

Sunday we went to one of the biggest bjj academies in our state. They had a bbq and open mat. My youngest wanted to see how he fared against some of their students. He kicked ass. These kids have been training at least a year. My son has been training for less than 3 months. He only got beat once out of about 10 matches. I was proud of him.

Overall it was a great week despite my lack of exercise..lol. I'll pick that up again this week. Wait, I did get in 2 runs and one yoga workout. In fact during one run I was witness to a high speed car chase. I was lumbering along the road, because that's how I run...I lumber. I don't have a graceful gait. I lumber. As I get my lumber on this car speeds past me going at least 80 followed by 3 police cars. Kind of cool. Hopefully no one got hurt.

I probably should set some goals this week.

• Yoga M/W/F
• Run twice this week
• Vacuum car (the bane of my existence)

There you have it. My week(end) in words.

Back on track

I did it. I got back on track last night. I came home from practice and made time to exercise. I started my yoga program. Holy crap it kicked my ass.

For those that have never done yoga or don't know much about it, it's a great workout. The beauty of it is that you get a full body workout with no impact on the joints. For an old guy like me it's perfect. Having done yoga before I know the benefits. I hurt my back some years ago. It was a fluke accident. I was sitting on a stool and went to get up and...BAM. My back went out. I was literally stuck in that position for a short while. I was hunched over as if I dropped something on the floor and was trying to pick it up. From that day on my back has never been the same. I go through bouts of stiffness and pain from time to time. On a bad day I can't move. Most of the time it's just a consistent ache that will shoot down my left leg into my calf. Before yoga the only thing that helped my back was massage therapy. Once I discovered yoga I was sold. My back never felt better. I did yoga for a short while at my gym but that fell to the way side after I fell out of love with weight lifting. Part of my routine was to lift weights one day and do yoga on my off days.

I'm not going to sit here and say I don't have time to go to the gym, it's open 24 hours. I just don't feel the passion anymore. The love is lost. I'm thinking about trying crossfit in lieu of conventional weight lifting. I have no desire to be big or bulky. I just want to be fit again. Crossfit may be what I'm looking for.

Switching gears.

I hate when people sell my kids short. I work hard to raise my kids to be independent thinkers. An example, when we go out to eat my kids decide what they want and when it's time to order they order their own food. I see parents order for their kids all the time. It's not wrong. It's just not the way I do it. My reason for this is that it teaches my kids to make decisions. It also gives them the opportunity to try new things and explore. I hate when we get a waiter that takes our orders then look at me for the kids' orders. I always tell them to ask the kids for their orders.

So last night we were at bjj practice. Specifically we were at the competition team practice. My son is the youngest one there, in fact many times he's the only kid there. He's that serious about his jiu jitsu. He loves it that much. I felt like the adults talked down to my son. They kind of set him aside and didn't teach him much technique. One adult said, 'Hopefully next time someone your size will be here to practice with you.' The way she said it came off so smug. I'm thinking to myself, 'Roll with him. He's not your average kid on the mat. Do you realize you're talking to one of the best grapplers in the state?' Seriously, he is one of the best grapplers in state.

Give him a chance. See that he's not your average kid on the mat. He wouldn't be here if he wasn't capable. Don't judge him on his size. Judge him on his heart. After all, isn't that the premise of bjj, a martial art predicated on the smaller man being able to take on a bigger man?

Back to today. I have a full plate of things to get done. I'm trying to ride this wave of motivation. Life is good.

Weekend wrapup (late edition)

I'm a little late on this. I know.  Despite my love for all things slackerish, I had a good week. I didn't get in a single work out at all though. So let's just get last week's goals out of the way.

• Go into the office 2 days (nope, not even close)
• Exercise 4 days (nope, not even close)
• Vaccuum my car [(this one haunts me) it's still haunting me]

That being said, I still lost 2lbs! Take that spare tire that engulfs my midsection. I'm officially down 8lbs since I started tracking everything closer. Thank you eating clean. I'm not sure that enough people realize that eating clean is like 90% of losing weight. The saying goes, 'You can't out train a bad diet.' I'm living proof that eating healthy is enough to lose weight.

It was an interesting week. We celebrated my dad's 10 year anniversary of his passing. It was an emotional day for me. I can't help but be cry when I think about him.

I keep saying I'm going to start this yoga program, but I never get around to starting it. Tonight's the night. I need to start crossing some things out on my to do list. This being one of them.

I'm sure I have more to say, I'm just not feeling very wordy right now. I'm kind of in a 'blah' type of mood. I think it has a lot to do with not exercising at all last week and it's carrying over to this week. I need the endorphin rush. I know I said it was a good week, it just wasn't as good as I could have made it. I need to stop wasting my days.

So I'm making it a point to be more productive for the rest of the week. It's not how many times you fall that counts, it's how many times you get back up. Stay tuned.

With a heavy heart

I cried today. I'm crying now. Tears literally are streaming down my face. It's hard to breathe. Today marks the 10 year anniversary of my father's passing. I wish I could say my father and I were super close, but I can't honestly say that.

I was quite the rebellious teen growing up.  I was bent on learning things the hard way. I lived and died on my mistakes. My father being the wise man he was, let me. It sounds counter intuitive doesn't it? After all, the job of a parent is to guide and teach isn't it? I think my father learned early on that the best way to guide me was with a soft touch and light hand. He gave me the freedom to be me while steering me only when I was seriously in any danger of blowing way off course.

My father was a serious golfer. He spent every possible weekend on the links. He wanted so badly for me to be a golfer but I never took to it. I would only start golfing later in life but that was more of a way to hang out with buddies and an expensive excuse to drink beer. Growing up I was more into the traditional sports; football, baseball, and basketball. Not ever seeing my father play and youthful machismo led me to believe that I was better than he was at all of the above. Not the case. One day while shooting hoops in the driveway my father pulls up after work. He stops and chats with my best friend and me then asks if we wanted to play a game of 21. The game is basically an everyone against everyone game, first player to 21 wins. Of course we said yes. My father then proceeds to hit shots from all over the court. He hits jumpers, layups, and even the old school hook shot. I was stunned. Never would I ever imagine my father being not only way better than us, he was way better than I gave him credit for.

Another time we were traveling and had a layover in an airport. I don't really remember which. To kill time we decided to explore the airport. We stumbled upon a game room that had video games and a pool table. My father asked if we wanted to play a game. I said yes, again thinking I could beat him. He racks and I crack. I made a shot on the break but missed my next shot. It was my father's turn. Holy Paul Newman. My dad ran the table. I seriously got hustled the Color of Money style. I never got another shot.

I got into a bit of trouble growing up. My father always told me, 'If you ever get picked up by the police I'm going to ask you one question. Did you do it? I expect an honest answer. If you did it, do your time. If you didn't, I'll come get you.' Sure enough I got picked up by the police one day. I stole a pair of shoes from a store. We had this store downtown that had all their shoes on a rack, no boxes. One day my friend and I decided that it would be simple to just walk in with old shoes and walk out with new ones straight off the rack. It was simple up until we walked out and a security guard chased us down. We got caught and were hauled off to the police station. Being minors we had to call our parents. I begged the police office not to call my dad and of course he did. True to his word, when we spoke he asked me the question. I told him the truth and he asked to speak to the officer. From the sounds of it he asked what the consequences where. The officer told him I would spend the weekend in jail, see the judge on Monday, and go from there. My father told the officer that he wouldn't pick me up. I had to suffer the consequences. I ended up spending 5 days total in juvenile detention and paying restitution. My buddy on the other hand made his call and his dad came to get him. Years later I'm an adult that's never been in trouble again. I have a wonderful job and a wonderful life. My friend? He's spent almost 90% of his post high school life locked up for everything from drugs to theft and even a home invasion charge. As much as I hated being left there by father, I love it in hindsight. I learned about consequences.

My father was a man of strong opinions. He had this booming voice. The two are just a couple of things that made him a great leader. My father was the head of various community groups during his life. His leadership style may not have always been popular but it was always in the best interest of the groups and his strong will overcame a lot of people's inability to see further than the tip of their noses. He had this great ability to not only see the forest for the trees but to see each and every tree and their potential. I call it seeing all the angles. He was a great thinker in that way. He pushed a lot of boundaries that resulted in great things. I see a lot of that in me. I see where I get this need to explore, feel, and touch just for the experience and learning opportunity.

My father was a very loving and caring man. He would do anything for you. You didn't even have to ask. If he saw you in need he would give before you could even ask. I'd like to think that there's some of that in me. I try to help people when I can. I try to help people even when I can't.

I know I started out this post saying my father and I weren't as close as I'd like, but looking at it maybe we were and I just didn't realize it. Maybe the years have taught me that I really did value our relationship I was just too close to see it. I know this now.  I still talk to my dad, even if it's in my head. I still ask questions and look for guidance knowing that his hand will be just as light and soft in guiding me. I miss him everyday. It's hard to not tear up when I think about him.

So it's with a heavy heart that I write this post. I love you dad.