Rain

It rained last night. It rained hard. I could hear the thunder in the distance. Each thunderous roar told me it was coming.

I love the sound of hard rain. It sounds like a million ants trekking across my window. The staccato pitter patter is soothing. At the same time this type of rain brings back unwanted memories yet brings me back to a time of personal victory.

When my divorce first started it was during spring. We tend to get a lot of rain that time of year. We were in my son's bedroom talking. It had been a hard few years up to that point. We didn't talk much. We didn't even sleep in the same bed most nights. Oddly enough we didn't argue much either. After many years together we simply grew apart. We had 3 kids.

I still remember the scene.  We were in my son's bedroom and I said it, 'I think I want a divorce.' I don't think I was sure at the time that it was what I really wanted. I just knew that we didn't belong together anymore. She wanted a trial separation. I agreed.

The first few weeks were some of the most trying, toughest weeks of my life. I'm a proud father. I love my kids more than life itself. I had to endure days of not having them with me. I remember one particular afternoon I was in the garage of an my house, trying to stay busy. Nothing I did took my mind off how quiet the house was. Finally I reached a breaking point. I simply cried. I don't know how long I sat there and cried but it was a good, hard cry. Not having my kids all the time was breaking me.

After some time I learned to live with it. We settled on a custody schedule. I'd have them for a week. She'd have them for a week. This was the best compromise.

In my off weeks I spent a lot of time reflecting. On Saturdays I would wake up and have breakfast at a little coffee shop nearby. I sat by myself. I wrote a lot. I read a lot.

I dated some here and there. It was interesting. I found out a lot about myself. One woman I dated was absolutely beautiful. She had a son. I found out I have no tolerance for kids with no discipline. That didn't last long. The person I dated the longest was someone from my past. I knew her from high school. I was out one day running errands and ran into a friend from college. She said that her and her friend were talking about me recently. Coincidental timing. I remembered her friend. I didn't know her that well. We had a few classes together but that was it. We exchanged numbers and she said she'd give my number to her friend.

Her friend sent me a text the next day. We went back and forth for a few days and decided to catch a movie. The date was actually pretty good. We hit it off. We had instant chemistry. We decided to go back to my house after the movie. As soon as the front door shut we closed that empty space between two people just before a kiss. We didn't even speak. I took her by her hand and led her to my room. I undressed her and laid her down. It was the first sex I had in months. It was amazing. We seemed to connect physically.

But she had issues. I looked at her issues, trying to figure out how I could help. Then I figured out I had issues of my own. I mean, I knew I had issues. I just didn't know they ran so deep. In the end I decided that I was not fit to be in relationship. It would be doomed. I needed to fix myself. I needed to heal. It was just the divorce. I just wasn't a happy person. I didn't love myself. I spent so much of my life loving other people, helping other people...I never took the time to help and love myself.

I went back to coffee shop and did some more soul searching. For some reason the weather always knew what Saturday I'd be there because it always rained. It's like the rain gave me a rhythm to breathe too. Each breath relaxing me more and more.

Ultimately I found myself. I found a good middle ground for who I am and who I am to others. I haven't been back to that coffee shop in years. I think it's best left as a reminder of those times. I have no business there now.  I'm balanced. I'm whole. I love again. I can only thank the rain.

Weekend wrapup plus a slump

Happy post Labor Day! Had a busy weekend. It was the usual kids, family, running errands type of stuff.

Saturday we spent some time at my mom's house. We all got together to watch the UFC fight and to bbq. Sunday I took my oldest and 3 of his friends to a skate park so they could get some bmx riding in before school started.

The park was about an hour away. Normally when I take them to skate parks I drop them off and come back to get them but since it was kind of far I just stayed there. I kept myself occupied reading for the most part. I did watch them ride a bit here and there when I got out to stretch. It's interested watching them. They could be simply sitting on their bikes and really enjoying it. Just being at the skate park is joy enough for them. I like that. All told, we spent 5 hours there. After they got done I took them out to pizza.

Monday my youngest got invited to another bjj school to prepare for this weekend's tournament. I thought that was cool. My son does not train at this school at all. It's one of the better schools around here. This is his second time getting invited to train there. We met their coaches at a tournament and they were really nice guys. They said they would invite my youngest up to train sometime. Sure enough one day they did. My youngest must have done well enough to warrant a second invite. He did okay. I think the drive may have affected him and the fact that we ate just before he started sparring. He finally picked it up towards the end after a sluggish start. This school has some really high level kids there so the training was great. 

The kids started school this week. It's a mixed blessing. Now they have something to keep them busy but it means less time with them. Most days I work from home and I get to spend time with them. With them gone it's just an empty house.

With Monday being a holiday it's a short work week for me. I'm taking Friday off. No real reason except that I wanted a day off. Actually we were planning on heading to Oregon for a bjj tournament that's supposed to be 2 days long on Friday. That got changed to a 1 day tournament but I kept the day off.

I'm pretty much in a slump. It's all my fault ultimately. I make plans with the wife to exercise and we never get to it. I wait and wait for her to be ready and it never happens. Then I let her laziness drive my own and suddenly it's bed time. I just need to go back to doing my own thing. When I exercise on my own I'm at my best. I'm the only motivation I need.

The other thing that I think is affecting me is working from home. I get less and less motivated. It might be due to me being sick of being at home all the time for work. I know it sounds crazy but I think there's some merit to it. My wife went through it. She was a stay at home mom for about 3 years and finally got tired of it and got a job again. It wasn't as if she wasn't capable of finding a job at the time, she just wanted to try staying at home. Luckily she found one quickly. Having a master's degree kind of helps.

Bitching without any intent on fixing what you're bitching about is...well...bitching. Plain and simple. So here's my plan. I'm going into the office tomorrow. I'm going to vacuum my car tonight. I'm going to go running. We'll see how I feel after I make some changes.

I'll leave you with a video for inspiration.

Long week

It's been a long week. I'm on call for work so that usually means I'm stuck behind a laptop or least always have my laptop at hand just in case I get paged for work. Overall it hasn't been bad but being on call usually keeps me from doing anything of note. I hate going places only to be paged while I'm there. So when I'm on call I just sit and vegetate.

I haven't worked out at all. I've been battling back aches. My back just gets sore from time to time for no real reason at all. When it's bad I feel the pain in my legs, usually my left leg. If there was a such a thing as a back transplant I'd be all over it.

It's just been busy for me this week. I've been trying to get some stuff around the house done and school starts next week for the kids. In between that, work, and transitioning from summer to school I welcome a normal, non busy week. We're doing our last bit of shopping this weekend and we're finally done.

I lied, a non busy week doesn't exist in my life. Even though school starts next week I don't get a break. One son starts football and another is still in bjj. In fact, we're traveling out of state for a bjj tournament the week school starts. Its going to be a huge tournament. It's going to be a good test to see where my youngest is at skill wise. He'll smash his opponents. I'm pretty sure.

This Saturday I'm signing up for bjj myself. It's been a long time coming. I've always loved the sport/martial art. I love the science of it. I see it as a chess match. It's not predicated on strength or size. It's a martial art that's all about technique. I really enjoy the minutiae of it. Little details could mean a loss versus a win. I'm something of bjj nerd. I spend a lot of time watching videos and reading articles on technique. At first I did it for my son. As I got more and more into it I started to realize how much it appeals to me. So now that school shopping is done, bjj is what I'm spending my money on. I'm so looking foward to it.

My plan for this weekend more bjj (doesn't my life seem to revolve around it lately??) and some final shopping for school. Otherwise it's just time to relax.

Pretty shit post huh? Thanks for reading it!

Weekend wrapup

My weightloss is stalled. I've been stuck at the same weight for 2 weeks now. It's probably due to the fact that I suck at working out for the most part. My eating was okay last week. We had a lot of family outings so that threw a monkey wrench in my eating. Que sera, sera.

I got some horrible news last week. I found out my Godmother is dying. She's been battling cancer for the last few years. The doctors said she has 6 months to live. Then again they said that same thing 3 years ago. I'll dive into this particular subject more later. Upon hearing the news we did what we always do, get together for dinner and a bbq. For some reason we always look for a time to get together and eat. We're sad? We bbq. We're happy? We bbq. It's a strange juxtaposition of emotions and coping.

Saturday my youngest had a bjj tournament. He killed it once again. I had him bumped up an age group so he could use submissions but unfortunately there was no one in that age group that signed up that was close to his weight. So he competed with kids his own age without the ability to submit his opponent. It was more of a positional sparring match. He dominated both his opponents, giving up zero points. His first match was bumped back. His opponent saw him and started crying right before his match. He remembered my son from a previous tournament in which my son choked him out. He saw my son and immediately decided he didn't want to compete against him. The boy's coach and the ref decided to have him watch my son against another opponent. It probably didn't help because my son dominated him easily. After some coaxing and encouragment the other boy decided he'd give it a go. It wasn't close either but he put up a great fight.

I was kind of torn about it in my own head. Yes these are kids but this is also a tournament. If you sign up there's a good chance that you're going to go against a kid that's pretty damn good if you're not that kid. At the same time, where's your sense of competitive spirit? My son goes hard without much prompting from me. Maybe he inherited that alpha male spirit from me. On the other hand I wonder how much this kid wanted to be here versus how much his dad wanted him to be here?

I spoke with the kid's dad for a bit in between matches and turns out his kid has been training for a little over a year. Perhaps it's a nod to how good my son is that he's only been training 3 months and is this dominant. Perhaps I'm just a proud papa too.

After the tournament we went over to my Godparent's house and had dinner. It was a good time. We were there with about 20 or so people just enjoying each other's company.

Sunday I slept in, getting some much needed rest. We met up with my mom and went to the local farmer's market and did a little shopping. If you have a farmer's market in your area I encourage you to go to it. The deals on fresh fruit and vegetables are unbelievable and your supporting your local farmers. When I purchase most anything, I always try to spend money locally first with the local business and mom and pop shops.

After the farmer's market we all went to eat at Red Robin....yum! We all parted ways and the kids came over to do some school shopping. Thank the Lord that they didn't mind doing it online. Not only did we find great deals, we did from the comfort of our own home minus all the craziness the mall can be this time of year.

Oh and I woke up with a stiff neck on Saturday! That really sucked. You don't realize how often you actually turn your head until your neck is stiff. I'm happy to report that as of this writing it's pretty much back to normal.

My goals from last week:

• Vacuum car...I know...I know (hahahahahaha! NOPE!)
• Yoga 3 times (I got in two sessions)
• Run twice (See the first goal)

I'll just repeat my goals from last week this since I failed miserably. Mixed bag last week but I made the best of it. Enjoy your week.

Hump Day Rambings

I did yoga last night! I'm actually pretty proud of myself for that. I'm sore now. Thanks yoga! I think
my body just isn't used to doing yoga. For those that haven't ever tried it before, it's a real workout. I literally sweat while doing it. I'm sure my body fat percentage plays a role in it but it really gets my heart rate up.

The ex is starting to fall off again. She went through a 2 week phase of being there for the kids and their activities but now she's a ghost. Typical. She does this from time to time. She's always physically there but when it comes to helping out with the kids she's not always there. She acts more like the weekend parent. You know that parent that only gets the kids every other weekend and always does fun stuff? That. She's taken the kids to the lake twice in the last few weeks, bought two rabbits, but I don't think she's taken the kids school shopping yet. She was even showing up to practice. Maybe she's trying to impress the new boyfriend, who just so happens to be a nice guy.

The older kids realize it, my youngest not so much...yet. I'm sure he will. You can only be the weekend parent for so long before the kids see it.

I was at the gas station today and the lines were long. There were 2 cashiers. As I'm headed to pay for my drinks another cashier opened up. The cashier did the right thing and offered to help the next guy in the closest line. A guy from another line sees the new cashier and makes a bee line towards her. He tries to jump in front of not only me, but everyone else in front of him and me. So he heads my direction since I'm closer to the new cashier and I immediately step in his path as if to block him. He looks at me like I'm in his way. I say, "Excuse you" to him. He kind of smiles at me. I can be imposing when needed. He knew he was wrong. So he backed up and let the people in front of him go first. You can call me the Cashier Avenger.

Weekend wrapup

So my week got weirder and weirder as it went on. The weekend hit and it got even worse.

To start, I put on a pound. I sort of expected that being that we had a family get together on Sunday. We celebrated my nephew's birthday with tons of food like we usually do. At that point I was just so off kilter that I said, 'Fuck it, eat.'

I got very little exercise in last week. I think I did yoga twice but that's about it. I need to change that. The crazy part is that my calves are so as if I went running a lot last week. I didn't run at all but my calves are still killing me. Not even sure why.

With school coming up we decided to do some school shopping. We're breaking up our shopping into 3 trips so we aren't spending a ton all at once. Having 4 kids to shop for gets pricey, especially since 3 of 4 kids wear adult sized clothing and shoes. It just makes more sense that way.

This trip was shoes. We went to the Nike outlet near us and didn't find anything. My oldest son was looking for a particular pair of Nike's but they didn't have them there. Normally we have pretty good luck finding good shoes at the Nike outlet but it was cleaned out from all the other families with the same idea. From there we headed to the mall.

I was quickly reminded how much I hate the mall this time of year. It's crowded. It's busy. It's picked over. None of which I care for at all. It's not too bad for girls so my daughter has a really good luck finding stuff. For my oldest boy it kind of sucked. He's at an age where he doesn't want to necessarily look like every one else. A lot of the kids wear the same brands here. He wants to wear similar styles but different brands. He wants to be a trendsetter. Shopping online works better for him.  That being said we were at the mall strictly for shoes.

My oldest boy found some shoes. One down. My daughter found a killer deal on boots and ended up getting two pairs. My youngest settled on a pair of Vans, he already has one pair of sneakers for school that we've been saving for 3 years. I found a pair of Nikes 3 years ago at the outlet and bought them for a screaming deal. I've been storing them until the day he fits them. I do that for a lot of sneakers. If I find them cheap I buy them even if they don't fit them knowing they will one day. My youngest has a really nice collection of vintage sneakers thanks to me.

 After we left the store, the girls went into another store. The boys waited outside. We see them coming out and we get up to leave. We get about 10 feet away and my youngest forgot his bag. We go back and it's GONE. Someone swiped it. Of course no on turned it in. Luckily it was only $35 but I was still pissed that my youngest forgot them. He has a tendency to be forgetful. We're working on that.

So we walk the mall looking for kids/teens that have the same bag. I fully understood that we weren't going to find his shoes but I needed to walk off my anger.  The kids stop to use the restroom and I'm standing in the middle of the mall, my eyes scanning everyone's bag as they pass.

Suddenly I see this kid walk by with a girl. I look at him. We make eye contact and my brain fires. I know this kid, but it doesn't immediately register where I know him from. My brain was still angry at my son for losing the shoes we just bought and yet it was calming down because my son is still my baby boy. As you can imaging it was a real conflict.

The familiar kid walks by without a change of expression.

The kids come out of the bathroom and it clicks. That's my long lost, estranged son. I tell my daughter that I think I just saw my son, her brother. She would know because she ran into him at the same mall roughly a year ago and introduced her self.

A little background on this son. I was in my early 20s I dated this girl. Then I met another girl who would become my now ex wife. How ghetto does that sound? I ended up getting the first girl pregnant when I met my ex. I really wanted to be with my ex. So the 'other' woman and I split up while she was pregnant. I told her that I would be there for the baby but I wouldn't date her. She agreed, at the time. As things with the now ex got more serious the other woman got more and more upset. Long story short, I ended up getting a restraining order on her due to an assault and some property damage. The other woman went crazy. I told her that if this kept up I would be gone completely. I left.

Fucked up. I know. At the time it was all that I could think of doing. I wanted to marry the now ex but I didn't want to deal with all the craziness that came with having a kid with the other woman. Hindsight is 20/20 and I should've toughed it out. The now ex and I went on to get married and have 3 kids. We were together for many years before divorcing. The other woman haunted me every day.

I never saw my son. I did find him through various sources. I kept tabs on him from a distance thanks to social networking and the internet. I paid child support all those years but I never actually saw him. He led a good life. He grew up to be a wonderful kid. He played sports and was his school's ASB vice president.

On a whim one day I looked him up. Turns out they moved back to our town after being on the east coast for most of his life. I reached out to him and we started corresponding online. It went well. We had so much in common. He even looks like me, just more handsome. Then one day it stopped. Out of the blue he just stopped talking to me. I can only imagine why. My guess is that his mom, the other woman, found out. I told him that I wanted to keep things above board. If he felt comfortable, tell his mom we talked. I think she flipped out, rightfully so, at us talking and forbade him from talking to me again. His loyalty to his mom is probably the clincher. I can't blame him.

What would I do if my biological father suddenly showed up in my life? I can't answer that because I don't know. (Maybe this was more than a little background but consider yourself informed now!)

Back to the mall...

We decide to head his direction. I decided to approach him. I see him in the distance and make my way towards him. I walk up to him and call his name as I approach. He nods as if to acknowledge what's about to happen. I then ask if we could talk outside. He simply looks at me with a confused face and says, "I can't do this right now." I ask if he was sure he didn't want to talk, he repeats that he can't do it right now and takes off. He didn't so much run as he did walk quickly away. The look on his face broke my heart. He looked as confused as one could be in this situation. The fixer in me wanted to make things right. The other part of me wanted to let him go to process all that happened in that 10 second encounter. Imagine 18 years of anger, guilt, and questions all rolled into 10 seconds. That's what it probably felt like. I'm sorry that he had to go through that. I silently apologized to him.

On the plus side I did manage to forget my youngest losing his brand new shoes.

I don't know how I feel about things. Part of me wants to just say fuck it, I tried. It makes me want to close that part of my life down permanently. The other part of me keeps hope alive.

My weekend.

Goals for this week:

• Vacuum car...I know...I know
• Yoga 3 times
• Run twice

Weird week

It's been a weird week for me. I can't really explain why.  It just has been. It doesn't help that I'm on call for work either. Maybe I'll talk through it and figure it out.

Part of it may be that my schedule has been off kilter a bit. As much as I like flying by the seat of my pants, at the same time I'm a creature of habit. I know it sounds so conflicting. If you read back a few posts I mention that I was once tested at 51% right brained and 49% left brained. My habits are the perfect manifestation of that. My need for spontaneity and structure embody it.

The weather has changed here. We've gone from steady 80*-90* days to damp, dark days. Typical weather for us. That probably has a lot to do with it too. When I was in college we had a row of special desks that simulated sun for California kids in the library. The theory was students from California came here and would get depressed at the damp weather. The desk would give them a dose of sunlight to keep them from getting depressed. I'm not saying I'm depressed, I'm too pragmatic for that. I'm probably just feeling the effects of the change in weather. It's kind like an old man with a bum knee. When it gets cold he feels the effects of the weather in his bum knee. I guess that means I have a bum brain?

Free time, I've had more of it than usual this week. We didn't have practice of any sort for 2 days this week. I'm used to running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to get the kids to their practices. Having a few hours of my day back has me out of sorts me thinks.

The good thing about all of this is it doesn't take me long to figure things out. I just haven't taken the time to process the week. Once I take the time, it all feels better. I go back to being grounded. A nice run speeds up the process too.  So tonight that's the plan. Run around with the kids and come home for some 'me' time. I'll put throw on my running shoes and leave me troubles trailing behind me.