Things I am not

I'm a lot of things, at least I like to think so. But there are many things I am not.
It's not a bad thing, I just realize my limitations or shortcomings better than most. I use those terms loosely though. I truly believe I don't have any limitations.  Any such limitations are simply barriers that are self imposed.

I think our minds are capable of great things. Ironically it's that same thing that also limits us. Mental barriers are simply that, all in our head. Once you put your mind to something you can do it. You have to truly put your mind to it though.

All that aside, here are the things that I am not (by choice).

I'm not patient with adults. I have high expectations for people and when they don't meet those expectations it's hard for me to understand. Often times I skip thoughts and leaves gaps when I communicate. I expect adults to keep up and fill in the blanks, especially when I think they are self explanatory. In other words, keep up.

I'm not a fan of awkward conversation. People tend to over talk. If you choose your words carefully, surprisingly, conversation can be very concise and a lot can be communicated in short manner. I'm very much a fan of observation at the same time. I find that a lot can be gleaned from simply watching people. Body language is very expressive.

I'm not very passive. My personality can be very aggressive at times.

I'm not aggressive in a violent way, I'm aggressive in a more focused way. I have a problem I fix it and move on. I will work at that problem until I solve it. I've stayed up for days working on something because I refused to give up, even in lieu of sleep. When push comes to shove, I push harder.

I'm not always motivated. It's true. I'm not. I have the science of slackery down to an art form. I know exactly how much work I need to do to get something done. It makes sense to me that I have fun and do just enough to get the job done. Under promise, over deliver is my motto.

I don't like to color within the lines. What I mean is I don't like rules and I don't like structure for the most part. I fly by the seat of my pants a lot and it suits me just fine. I don't need to plan ahead much. I find it helps when things don't go as planned. I'm able to to adjust on the fly without thinking.

I'm not a morning person. Never been. Never will be. I'm most productive at night.

I'm sure there are other things that I'm not but the above stand out. In reading what I wrote I sure sound like a cross between Sherlock Holmes and Sheldon Cooper. I kind of like that.

Late weekend wrapup

I'm late on this. I know, BUT I had a killer weekend. Let's get last week's goals out of the way.

• Lift Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (modified but done!)
• Run Tuesday, Thursday, and possibly a third day (done!)

I not only got all my workouts in, I even did my cardio. One night I did a 4 miler. My feet were sore after though. I ate clean all week too and even managed to lose 2lbs since last week. I'm well on my way.

Saturday I watched my first Brazilian Jiu-jitsu (bjj) tournament and it was amazing. I took my son with me because he was competing for the first time and I wanted him to get a feel for it. I come from a wrestling background so I assumed it would be the same. Boy was I wrong. Yes it was the same in terms of tournament background but it was so different other ways. People cheer but they cheer quietly. Coaches coach but they coach quietly. There's not a lot of yelling like a wrestling tournament.

People are also way friendlier. I was having conversations with complete strangers and actually enjoying it. LOL. Generally I avoid conversation because it usually amounts to mindless small talk. Not Saturday. It was good, friendly conversation.

Sunday my youngest son competed. HE KILLED IT. Not only did he not give up any points, he won the gold medal for his bracket. Not bad for a nerdy kid that's never competed in bjj before.

Not really much to say today. So I'll post the goals for this week.

• Run twice
• Workout 3 time
• Finish fixing computers  

I think that about covers it. Until next time.

Change of course

I started writing about my life and its current state but didn't really feel like writing about once I got into it. I fear I may be focusing too much on issues and not enough on more positive or even fun things. So I decided to write a 'stream of consciousness' type of post.

I went running last night. I decided to go despite the fact that it was super late, 10:30pm, and my back was still a bit sore. Was it a good run? It wasn't the best run but it was good to get out and enjoy the good weather we've been having.

I have a new boss at work. My old boss pretty much got shoved out. I'm not sure on the details but it felt like they just told her she would be replaced and she didn't have a place in the company. She actually cried when she told us the news. I feel bad for her. She was a decent boss. While I didn't like how we always got roped into stuff out of scope for our job, she left me alone. I can appreciate being left alone at work. With this boss I can work from home almost any time. It really allows me to be flexible. I'm not sure how it's going to work with the new boss though. I guess I'll wait and see. I do know one thing, I don't want to change jobs and I don't want to move up. I'm comfortable where I'm at. I don't want that to change.

So this post is now spanning two days. I'm not sure if it's because I don't have much to write about or if it's because I'm in a good place. Hopefully it's the latter. I'm starting to become centered again. I can't say enough how important it is to me to be centered.

Here's why, my mind races a million miles a minute. I'm always thinking. Thoughts bombard my brain. This happens so much that I've gone to keeping track of these thoughts in notes and a task list on my phone. There's some science to it. When I was in 6th grade I was tested for the 'gifted' class. It's a class that identifies supposed intelligent kids and tries to keep them stimulated with special classes and projects. Part of the test was an IQ test. I scored 149 on it. I believe that's near genius level. After testing I was put in the gifted class with other gifted kids. For 2 days a week we worked on stuff that was higher level than what other kids were working on. We did special projects and went on field trips.

Do I believe I'm a genius or near one? No. I think most geniuses have a particular talent. I have no particular talent. I can't play an instrument nor can I paint. Do I think I'm smart? Yes. I have a great ability to dissect problems and solve them. I'm not speaking of just tangible problems, I do really well at solving abstract problems as well. Maybe that's my talent?

Here's my problem with the genius tag and IQ tests, it doesn't really measure intelligence in different forms. When I was tested I sat next to a kid named Mikey while in regular classes. If there ever was a genius, he was it. He didn't do so well with academics but that kid was a regular Picasso. He would spend his class time drawing and sculpting. His sculptures were made of glue. He would spread glue on his desk and wait until it was partially dry and still pliable. He would then scoop the glue up and sculpt it into animals. One day he took the glue and created a whale, shark, and fish. No joke. He was that good. Another time I remember having a project where we had to draw a town. Mikey took it to a whole different level. He took the paper we were supposed to draw on and created a 3D town complete with buildings and cars. Now that's genius. I think about him from time to time wondering if he's some famous artist. Better yet, I hope he's still creating masterpieces.

Here's another interesting fact about my brain. I was also tested to see if I was more analytical or more creative, classic left vs right brain. My score was 51% left brain, 49% right brain.  I was neither more analytical nor creative dominant yet both for the most part.

There you have it, my being scattered brained as explained by science. This is why writing is so important to me. I need some outlet for these thoughts. It's not always interesting. A lot of times it's mental vomit on the internet. I've been writing in some form since high school. I've written everything from songs, poetry, to blogging over the years. I find I'm always at my best when I write. I also find when I'm at my worse, I turn to writing.

Thanks for letting me vomit.

Life is a highway

...and I want to ride it all night long. Well not really but it feels like I'm always on the road at least. It probably sounds like I complain about never having enough time and how life gets in the way of me accomplishing a lot of my goals. It's partly true. I do waste a lot of time doing lord knows what. I'm working on that part.

The part I can't control is being a busy dad. Case in point, I took my son to bjj practice last night after work and got a text on my way. My daughter said she thinks she has a UTI and needs to go to the doctor. I told her that I'd meet her at urgent care after practice. We ended up at urgent care for almost 4 hours. That doesn't sound very urgent does it? So from 4-10 yesterday I was at bjj practice and at urgent care with my son and daughter. Oh the life of a dad.

Needless to say my grand plans on working out went out the window. By the time I got home I was tired and hungry. Did I mention that I also puked yesterday? Yup I sure did. It has been that kind day(s) lately.  But let's focus on more positive things. I don't really like nor do I believe in dwelling on most anything. I like to learn from my mistakes or obstacles and move on.

My back is feeling a lot better today. I did blow out my back some years ago and it the pain comes back from time to time. Sometimes it's so bad that I can't move. This go around it was a solid aching. I could still move but I won't be dancing any time soon. The positive in all of the above? I think I know one trigger, stress. I'm going to watch it the next time it happens to see if my hypothesis holds true. I'm going to test my back tonight with a short run. As much as I probably should take time off, I've realistically taken the last few years off so I have to keep it moving.

Oh I did weigh myself on Monday. I try to keep my weighs in to a weekly event. My weight fluctuates so much from day to day that my true weight is up in the air until Monday morning.  The positive to my weigh in? I weigh exactly what I did a week ago. I did not lose weight but I did not gain either despite my best efforts to gain. The copious amounts of alcohol and bbq food did no damage over the holiday weekend! Yay for eating clean 4 out of 7 days of the week!!

All in all things are getting better. I just have to keep moving forward. That's all I can do.

Weekend Wrapup - irritated

We'll get the goals portion of this post done first.

• Lift Monday, Wednesday, and Friday - I lifted 2 times
• Run Tuesday, Thursday, and possibly a third day - I ran once
• Vacuum and wash my car - I fixed the headliner
• Get the backyard done - completed!

I forgot to factor in that it was a holiday week last week. Needless to say it threw me off a little bit. Now on to my being irritated.

The latter half of the week just had me all kinds of irritated. I hate when people get me involved in their projects and I end up doing more or I get asked to do the impossible. The wife wanted to throw a baby shower for my cousin's wife at our house. That's fine. I'm all for it. But she wanted to make these invitations by hand. Uh-oh. Just because I work with computers doesn't mean that I know everything about them. I'm not a graphics artist.

She had this grand idea of what it should look like and actually did the base graphic. Then she wanted me to tweak it. I tweaked it but I knew that wasn't the end of it. She wanted to print the invitations 4 to a sheet with no borders and so that the graphic stretched to the edge of the paper. Well it's not that simple. You're original graphic has to be scalable so that if fits perfectly. Hers wasn't. It could be stretched but not without skewing. Basically if you want something to fit in four squares it has to be a square to start or it will skew. Even that part if fine. I did my best. What irked me is that I asked her to go lift with me. She asked if we could fix the graphic first.

Here's where my problem starts. We spent almost 3 hours trying to get it right. It doesn't help that she couldn't communicate what she wanted in clear manner. I can try and do most things on a computer, but only when I know what someone wants done. If you can't tell me, I can't do it. After 3 hours we got it right but by then we missed the workout window. It was late. I was tired. I was irritated.

Then she decided she wanted to go look at cars. I know she wants a new one. Her car kills us on gas every week. She did some research and found a few dealers that had the car she wanted, an Infinity. We get to the first lot and it was there. The salesman did his job and tried to sell us the car. That's what they do. He put the pressure on to get a deal done that day. I backed him off so we could talk. I asked if she was ready to buy today. She said no. She said she wasn't ready to buy today. She said she didn't know that they were going to try to sell her a car today. WHAT?? That's what they do at a dealer. They sell cars. If you walk into a dealer with financing in place (which we have) they will try to sell you a car. That's like going to a gas station, putting the nozzle into your tank, pulling the trigger, then being surprised that gas is coming out. That's what you're there for.

Next point of irritation. As I was driving to the dealer her son asked me a question. (A little background, I've raised her son who I consider my son, for most of his life.) I answered the question and asked him to google it to verify if I was right. A few minutes pass and he's just sitting there. I asked if he was going to do it. He said he didn't want to use up his data. WHAT?? You can play games all day and not worry about data? You can surf on your phone all day and not worry about data? Just admit it. You were too lazy to look it up. You didn't want to do it.

We've had ongoing problems with him listening to me or her even. It's gotten better over the last few years but of all the kids, we have problems with him the most. My kids listen. I'm not just saying that because they're my kids. They really do listen. I don't have to tell them twice. They do what they're told, no questions asked. Him? He'll do it eventually but he complains the whole time while doing it. Rarely does he ever do it when first asked without griping. 

I took his phone and told him since he's so worried about data let's just not be on the phone at all. That's a sure way to save on data. I told him to not ask me for anything from here on out. What he fails to realize is that I'm on his side. I pull for him more than anybody. He got his haircut on Friday and hated it. He was literally in tears. He wanted his hair short like he always gets it. But the wife just had it trimmed so that it was still long. When they got home he was crying and went straight to his room. He hated it that much. What do I do? I convince the wife that he needed his hair re-cut the way that it always is. We jumped in the car within an hour of him coming home and I drive all the way back to our barber and have it fixed. Let's not forget all the times I tote him around to his practices and games. Let's not forget that I I just took him to football camp last week when I should have been in the office working. He doesn't get it. I'm tired of trying to convince him.

All this irritation has affected me. It really threw me off. My back started to hurt. I think from the stress. I need to do a better job on managing stress. It's Monday now, a new week. I have to get a better handle on things.

Until I get it right, I need to keep repeating my goals.

• Lift Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
• Run Tuesday, Thursday, and possibly a third day

How do I feel today? I feel a little better but still not centered. I'm working on it.

Divorce

I had this discussion yesterday about my divorce. It's very unlike most divorces. It was amicable. In fact, we didn't even have any lawyers. We did this all ourselves and divided up what little assets we had 50-50.

What freaks people out is that we get along to

this day. Don't get me wrong, we have our moments but by and large we work well together. I would venture to say that we get along better now than we did when we were married. Go figure.

So why did we get divorced? The love was lost. We got together at a very young age and got married. We started a family shortly thereafter. At first things were great but as we got older we changed fundamentally as people. Neither for the worse. We just weren't the same people we were when we first got married.

That caused real issues. I spent a good year sleeping on the couch because it was quieter, less arguing.  She saw her life going one direction and I saw mine going another. At no point did those paths intersect.  We tried for a solid two years to keep it together for the kids but in the end we were hurting them more by staying together. So one day I asked for a divorce. At first she wanted to work things out but I was steadfast. In the end she agreed that divorce was the best option.

Through the divorce we've found ourselves. We found what truly makes us happy and people that add to that happiness. The man she's with now is a pretty good guy. He and I talk when we see each other. When we're all at games we all sit together. My wife now and my ex get along too. There are some things about my ex that she doesn't understand but it's minor.

When you fall out of love there's no going back. I don't believe that you can recapture it. I truly believe either you love someone or you don't. There's no in between.

Now that I'm older and hopefully wiser I see that. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that you can't love anyone or receive love until you love yourself. I think that's why I see so many people looking but never finding. How else will you know when you find it if you don't know what love is in the first place?

These days I'm in a good place. My wife is an amazing woman. She doesn't put up with my bullshit but knows when to use a soft hand in things. It's a delicate balance.

My divorce ended up being the best decision I could have ever made. It's part of my makeup. Its' part of what makes me who I am today.

Weekend Wrapup

What an amazing week(end) it was.

I met all my goals for last week. I got my runs in and my weight lifting sessions in. It felt good. So good that I'm sore as hell today. I even mixed in a day or two off during the week without missing my goals. Oh and I lost 2lbs! The immediate goal is to lose from 1-2lbs a week.

It would be nice to lose a ton of weight fast but that's how you end up with extra flappy skin. I don't want that. I want my skin to have time to bounce back so slow and steady wins the race. At 2lbs max a week that gives my skin time to adjust. Another key to your skin is staying hydrated. I did really well with my water intake all week and even skipped my daily Monster energy drink a few days.

Did I have a cheat meal? Of course I did. I think it's crazy to not have one. You can only eat a strict diet for so long before you go nuts. I even had some Ben and Jerry's last week but instead of eating the whole thing in one sitting I ate a little at a time. I bought it on Wednesday and still have half the container left. Moderation is the trick. Eat the things you love but do it in moderation when possible.

Saturday was fun. We took my middle son out with some friends to go laser tagging and for pizza for his birthday. I had pasta. It was really good and the portions were huge. I ate a lot of it but left some on the plate. Moderation.

Sunday we had our baseball bbq. Now that was a blast. We had it at our coach's house. He has a large piece of property. It has a swimming hole that's fed by two natural springs. He even has a whiffle ball field he built on it!  The boys all went swimming and after we ate they played the parents in a whiffle ball game. The parents cheated a little of course but the boys still won.

I was sore as hell playing whiffle ball. My arms and chest were killing me. I lifted weights Sunday morning before the bbq and didn't realize how hard I went until I played. I knew I had a good session at the gym, I didn't know it was that good. Now it's Monday and DOMS has set in. That's Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. I want to say that's a real scientific term, not some phrase I just coined for the sake of blogging.

I ate fairly clean at the bbq. I had ribs and 3 beers amongst the various other snacks. I logged it all and stayed pretty close to my calorie count. I think that's why my week was a success and I lost my 2lbs. I still had fun, but I still logged ALL of my food. I'll say it again, moderation.

I'm going to start doing some reading on intermittent fasting (IF). It's not a diet so much but a way of eating. It's exactly as it sounds, you fast for short periods of time when you would be normally eating. I've done some reading on it in the past but I need to brush up on the science of it once again. It sounds so much like a diet but I've heard it termed a nutritional 'lifestyle' and that's how I like to think of it.

The thing I life about IF is that it challenges long held beliefs in how we eat. It actually simplifies how we eat. I like simple. After I do some reading on it I'll probably try it for a week or two. I'll post results when I do.

Overall it was a great week. The plan is to continue this wave of goodness. That being said, here are my goals for the week:

• Lift Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
• Run Tuesday, Thursday, and possibly a third day
• Vacuum and wash my car
• Get the backyard done

I'm starting this week off with one thought in mind.....DARE TO BE GREAT.