Monster Week

I've had a monster week. It's been truly amazing. I not only haven't missed a single workout, I've just been well mentally. I think one begets the other.I accomplished all my goals that I set for the week. That in itself is pretty awesome.

That's not to say I haven't hit a struggle or two this week. I had the usual things out of left field come up but since I was prepared in the other aspects of my life it didn't take much more than a little juggling to make it all work. I juggle well, so well that I could be in circus. It's all part of being a dad of busy kids. I even struggled with not being lazy. Last night I didn't want to hit the gym. I pretty much laid around for a few hours until I could justify not going to the gym because it was to late.

I hit that point where you fight or quit. I fought. I won. Even though it was 10:30 at night I hopped in the car and headed to the gym. It turned out to be a great decision, not only for the obvious reasons, but also because there was almost no one there. They gym only had a few dedicated souls. By the time I got done I was the only one there. It was nice being the only one there. It reminded me that I'm on my own. No one can push me but me. If I fail, I fail on my own. If I prosper, I prosper on my own.

I've even tracked all my food this week. I've eaten pretty clean. I stayed within my caloric allowance and hit my macros for the most part. I'm not a big macro guy but I like to keep track of my protein intake. If I stall I'll pay better attention to macros.

I finally settled on a sort of long term goal. Once I get down 40lbs I'm going to start taking Brazilian jiu-jistu (bjj) classes. My youngest takes bjj classes and loves it. I know I would too. To me bjj is such a beautiful sport. It's combat for the thinking man. I've heard it being referred to as kinetic chess. That's right up my alley. A fighting sport for nerds? Count me in. So that's my goal, lose 40lbs and start bjj classes as my reward. At this point I'm waaaay bigger than I want to be. I think if I started classes now I might hurt myself.  Besides, it's something to shoot for. Now I need to settle on a short term goal. I'll mull it over this weekend.

Have I mentioned that I've gotten in 2 solid runs this week? Well let me mention it. I got in 2 solid runs this week. I have another run scheduled for tomorrow. Tonight's plan is to walk for about 45 minutes. For the rest of the weekend I have a weight session tomorrow and taking Sunday off.

All that being said, working out has really cleared my head. It's a good feeling. I've found balance.

Catfish

When I first got divorced I met this lady not too long after. I was out one night, I don't even remember where or what I was doing. We started talking and had a nice conversation. I didn't think much of it at the time. She was in town on business and came to the area several times a year. We had such a good conversation that we exchanged contact information.

From time to time we would trade emails just checking on each other, nothing serious. She told me she was going to be back in town and wanted to meet up. She was only in town for a couple of days and the timing was right. When she got to her hotel she gave me a call and wanted to have dinner that night. Remembering how much I enjoyed her company of course I said yes.

I arrived at her hotel that night and we had dinner at her hotel's restaurant. We moved to the bar after dinner and had a few drinks. The conversation flowed and we both were having a good time. After a few drinks, I was in no way drunk nor was she, she invited me up to her room.

Having been with the same woman for years it was both frightening and exciting at the same time. I've never had a problem meeting women, but to meet someone so quickly after my divorce it was a nice validation that I 'still had it.'

We got to her room and the chemistry was perfect. When I think back, I have this movie like version of it in my head. It's probably not far from the truth. It was like a scene from Up in the Air starring George Clooney. She was the traveling business woman. I was the a younger guy and she was the hot, older woman.

We started kissing and the clothes just melted to the floor. The sex was wonderful. She was a very giving and attentive lover. She was passionate. She appreciated my oral skills. It was one of the sexiest encounters I've ever had in my life. We had sex a few times that night. I left early in the morning and we said our good byes.

From there we kept in contact and she came back second time. We repeated our first tryst. Once again the sex was amazing but we connected in another way. In between all the fucking we had good conversation. To me that meant so much more. I also found out something else about her. She was very submissive. Not in a S&M way but in a way that she liked a man that took control of situations.

She left once again and our contact continued. Our emails turned to texts. Our texts turned to phone calls. The problem was she lived in the Midwest and our intimacy was limited to business trips to my area. Then one day while we were talking I heard a voice in the background. It was definitely male. I knew she had a son and a daughter but the voice was that of a grown man.

I casually asked her who it was. She replied, 'That's my husband.'

Whoa.

I wasn't that invested in all of it but I was still taken aback. I make it a point for that very reason to not get close to women. You never know what's going to happen or when. Yes I enjoyed the sex. Yes the conversation was awesome but I still had my guard up. I always do, not just in affairs of the heart, in all of my life.

I don't remember how it went but I do remember getting off the phone quickly. That was followed by texts explaining her situation. It was typical. She was in a loveless marriage. She would leave if she could do it on her own financially. She was staying for the kids. Blah blah blah.

I broke it off. She insisted on seeing me one last time, after all she already had plans on being in town. Why not have a last hurrah? I politely declined. She told me she was coming anyway and if I wanted to see her one last time she was willing.

I still declined. It got to a point where I cut off almost all communication with her. I stopped answering her emails. I blocked her number. She checked in with me via email over the next month or so. I have to admit to replying once or twice but always in a strictly friendly manner. I didn't want anything to do with her in bed. Those situations are how you end up with an angry husband at your front door.

So the day arrived when she would be in town. She called me. I recognized her number but didn't pick up. I  knew she was in town. About 30 minutes after her first call I get another call at my desk at work. It was a local number. I picked up thinking it was work related. Instantly I recognized the voice. It was her.

She told me she was in the parking lot and she wanted to see me. I got scared. I had pictures of a murderous, spurned lover wanting me dead. I didn't know what to do. I was at work. I can't have her going nuts and getting me fired or even worse...killing me. I furiously debated on what to do.

I decided to go out to the parking lot. I figured we were in a public place and if things went wrong, I had an out. I also didn't want any thing to go down at my job.

I walked out and spotted her rental car. She was sitting in the driver's seat. I couldn't get a read on her face. I didn't know what I was going to do once I got there. As I'm walking towards her car I came up with a plan, get her to move to another place so we could talk, somewhere away from my job.

I opened the passenger door and got in her car. Next thing you know I grab her by her hair and started to furiously kiss her. She was wearing a skirt. I ran my hands up her skirt and started to play with her as I kissed her. I could feel her wetness as she reacted to my touch.

I told her to go back to her hotel. Leave me a key to her room. Be naked when I get there. I'd be there in in 30 minutes. She nodded and collected herself.

I went back to work, wrapped up a few things and checked out for the day. I got to her hotel and sure enough she had a key waiting for me. When I walked into her room she was naked on the bed. Before I got two steps she started to tell me how mad she was that we didn't talk anymore and that she still wanted to see me.

I told her I couldn't do it. This was our last time ever being together. She offered little debate. It was obvious by the look on my face that I was serious. She then got off the bed and and started to undress me. She dropped to her knees and took me in her mouth. It was heaven. My body betrayed me with each flick of her tongue. 

I fucked her one last time then said goodbye. It was hot.

That was all years ago. I haven't heard from her much at all. I did get an email about 6 or 7  years ago updating me on her situation. She decided to divorce her husband. She found a new lover. She found the courage to leave thanks to me.

I'm not sure what courage I gave her. What I took from the situation was I met a woman that wasn't who she said she was. A pretty business woman was actually a pretty, married business woman. I don't regret it in any way. It was fun.

It's just another memory. She's just another memory. Nothing more. True story.

Beastmode

What can I say? I'm a slow starter. I started out with a few goals and it only took me 2 weeks to put them in play! Slooooooow starter I am.

But I did it. I started last night. I went running for the first time in a long time. I have a love hate relationship with running. I love the feeling I get after a good run. I sometimes hate it when I start to hit that mental wall. If you've ever done any sort of tough workout you've inevitably hit a wall where you feel like you can't go any farther, any faster.

Last night I hit that wall and pushed through it.

I had inspiring music in my ears, a cool clear night, and determination with me last night. I started out at a normal pace (for me) but as I got going I picked up the pace. I keep track of my runs with an app that tells me my pace/distance/time and gives me audible cues as I'm running. As I was running my app told me that my pace had increased. Imagine that? I was running faster!

Granted it wasn't my best pace ever but I haven't run in a good year or more. I used to run 3 nights a week. I even did three 5k races a few years back. That was probably the height of my fitness in recent years. I was in good shape then.

Last night reminded me how much I love running. Forget the fitness aspect of it, that's self explanatory. I loved a few things about my run last night:

• Sense of accomplishment - I freaking did it!
• Endorphins - The after glow of a good run is makes you feel amazing, like a world beater.
• Mental cleansing - Running allows me to do some housekeeping in my head, it clears my thoughts.

The last benefit of last night's run was that I set a good example.  I hammer into my kids the idea of going hard and doing your best at all times. It's never about winning or losing or talent even, it's about outworking everyone else. How can I say it and not do it myself? I showed my kids that even when it feels like you can't do it, you still can. You just have to dig deep and find that internal strength to push forward. It may be small to some people but that short run last night unearthed the champion in me. It reminds me of a quote I once read,

"I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'"

- Muhammed Ali

Today I feel like a champion.

Weekend revisit

Let's get this out of the way...how did I do with my goals?

• Get more sleep.
• Be in bed by 10pm (I did pretty well with this one)
•  Work out 3 times a week
• Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday (Haha! Not even close)
• Run twice a week
• Monday and Wednesday (See above!)

It didn't go so well with the goals. A few things I failed to factor in, planning a family get together, all day baseball tournaments, dinner with family and other miscellaneous items. Does that mean it was a failed week? Not by any means. It was actually a very good week. I got to watch the kids play sports and I hung out with family quite a bit. Never a failure.

On the plus side we did wrap up baseball for good. So that's one less activity to schedule around. I also have my lunch ready for the week and my clothes are ready too. That's another thing I don't have to worry about this week. For me preparation is key. If I go into my week flying by the seat of my pants then I'm doomed. Failing to plan is planning to fail.

So this week I'm going to repeat my goals. Tonight I'll go running, rain or shine. Believe it or not I like running in the rain as long as it's not a torrential downpour. There's something cleansing about running in the rain.  It's both symbolic and therapeutic for me.

So this week's goals are:

•  Work out 3 times a week
• Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday
• Run twice a week
• Monday and Wednesday 

I did eat pretty clean for the most part this week. That's a huge step for me. It sounds so simple but it if it's not in the house, I can't eat it. I made it a point to only have healthy foods in the house this past week. Gone are the days of cake and ice cream. That's not to say that I won't have some from time to time. I might go crazy without ever having ice cream again in my life.

I actually had a lot of interesting stuff to write about (in my head) but I'm drawing a blank. Go figure.

I did have a weird encounter this weekend though. I'll save that for another post.

I feel determined today. It's a good feeling. I need to harness that feeling and focus it.

Silver linings

So far this week has been one thing after another. I've done my best to keep things in check as much as possible but you know how it is....like plugging a hole in a dam then another one pops.

I think I have to face facts, I live a complicated and busy life. My schedule is not my own. That's just the way it's going to be until my wonderful kids grow up and move out.

I make these grand plans to do this and that and none of it ever happens. The bottom line is that I just need to arrange my schedule around what I know is coming. There really is no other option. If I plan better I'll do better.

I can only smile though. I actually had a good laugh when I looked back on my to do list for this week. I think that's important for me and probably would go a long way with other people. Life is full of change. Unfortunately it doesn't move in a linear manner as much as we think it does. Life is an amoeba, it comes in many shapes and forms. We measure time in a linear manner so it makes life seem that way too. Life itself? Unpredictable.

I still have 3 days to salvage my week though. I like to look at things and try to find that silver lining. It's one of my talents. I see good in everything. I don't look at failures as actual failures. I look at failures as learning opportunities.

So what's my silver lining here? I lead a busy, blessed life. 

Weekend Aftermath

It's Monday and I usually like to go over my week(end) just to see how things went. I find it helpful just to see what I did and how I did. It's like a weekly check in at self therapy.

I revised my goals from last week to make them more specific. This week I start putting them in play. Tonight I have running on tap. I'll run after scootering the kids to and from their practices.

The week started out tough mentally but got better as it went on. I don't know why it started out that way.  I think exercise plays a huge role in that for me. Exercise gets me high. That's the truth. I love exercising, at least when I get to it. Up to that moment I dread it. One would think I remember that each time I fight getting to the gym. Nope. I fight it every step of the way and then thank myself after I actually finish a work out. Thank you endorphins. On that note I did go walking with the wife. She and I took a quick route around the nearby neighborhoods. It was a short walk. We only covered a little over a mile but it was good to get out and breath some fresh air.

I also rode a motorcycle for the first time in years. My cousin dropped by on his bike and let me take it for a spin. I forgot how fun it was being on a bike. Granted I just stayed in the neighborhood but it was fun nonetheless. I still don't see myself dusting off the motorcycle that sits in my garage though. I'd rather trade them for something like quads. I'm at that age where I don't really have any business going fast and trying to look cool.

My mom came by on Saturday and took us out dinner. Mom took us out  for an early Father's Day dinner. We hit the seafood buffet. I'm not sure I can do that on a regular basis. I just don't have it in me to eat that much. Buffets are such a trap. They put you in a mindset where you feel you have to overeat just to get your moneys worth. That's what I did. I stuffed myself full of crab, prime rib, and dessert. I felt sick as hell afterwards too.

In my family we seem to celebrate by overeating. Most people have balloons and cards. We have meat and more meat in our celebrations. It sure does make it hard to stay healthy when people around you are doing things that are counter productive to it.

...Father's Day. I had mixed feelings on Sunday. It was great spending time with the kids on the one hand, but it was sad at the same time. Every reminder that my father passed makes me sad. I don't think that's ever going to change. Miss you pop. Another thing leading to the mixed feelings on Father's Day was the fact that I found my long lost son and we are still at a stand still.  We are no closer to getting to know each other than we were before this all started. A large part of me had high hopes that we could move on and start new. I don't know that it's going to happen. Miss you son.

Despite all that I did have a great week in hindsight. I even got my clothes ready for the week. That's always very helpful in keeping my weekend on schedule and eliminates a ton of excuses for not having time. I was planning on getting my lunch packed for the week too but I we were out of groceries I needed. Oops. I have that problem solved though. I'm heading to the store on my lunch to grab good for the week.

I finished it strong. I finished it on a high note, even if it's just inside my head. I'm beginning this week the same way, strong.

Line in the sand

I read a lot. One thing I read a lot about is fitness. I have this half desire to be fit once again. I call it a half desire because that's all it is. I want it. I just don't do it. It's a crazy dilemma. I come up with excuse after excuse to not get in shape and I stall myself.

Today I'm drawing a line in the sand. I'm going to do it.

During my reading today I came across something that registered in my brain. Someone posted about how she lost weight and that it wasn't the exercise or the eating that bothered her the most, it was feeling like she deserved it...feeling she was worth it. I found that profound. She goes on to say about how she learned to love herself and how she found time for herself because she valued herself.

Too often I put people's needs above my own. It can be family, friends, kids; the list is endless. I NEED TO MAKE TIME FOR MYSELF. That's the bottom line.

So today I'm making time for myself. I'm going to get some good, mind clearing time in. I'm going to shut everyone out and just do me.

I'm drawing a line in the sand.

Cart before the horse

Earlier this week I decided to set some goals, none of which have been accomplished. Am I surprised? Not in the least.

Here's the problem. I put the cart before the horse. On top of that I made goals with no means of how I plan on accomplishing them.

Let me explain.

I wanted to work out this week but I have zero energy. I'm tired constantly and frequently fall asleep just sitting down. I also planned on running but same deal, I'm too damn tired.

So how do I go about completing these goals if I'm so tired? The answer is simple. Sleep more.

I spend so much of my waking hours...awake. I'm up until well past midnight on most days. Sometimes I don't go to bed until 2am and wake up promptly at 7am. No wonder I'm always so tired.

One of the most forgotten pieces to fitness is rest. When you sleep your body is rebuilding its muscles. That's how you grow. That's how you get stronger. Most importantly that's when your body repairs itself. This applies to physical repairs as well as mental repairs too.

So last night I made it a point to be in bed by 10pm. Whatever I had planned had to be done by that time or it had to wait until tomorrow. I made it to bed as planned and woke up feeling like a new man. As a result I was super productive today! Win. So my plan is to continue getting to bed by 10pm so I can repeat this feeling. 

Being rested enough to tackle my goals was one problem. The other problem was my goals were neither specific nor timely. By timely I mean I had no dates for my deliverables.  If you're really interested in how to properly set goals google S.M.A.R.T. goals. S.M.A.R.T. stands for specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely.

That being said, here are my revised goals.

• Get more sleep.
• Be in bed by 10pm
•  Work out 3 times a week
• Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday
• Run twice a week
• Monday and Wednesday

Note: I started this post on Thursday and managed to get to bed on time that night. I woke up today feeling fresh once again!

Strangely estranged

I have a son with whom I've never had any real contact with. Long story short, his mother and I went through some legal wranglings that resulted in my getting a restraining order on her for a time. It was bad.

Thanks to the power of google and social networking I came across him in recent years. One day I decided to contact him. It was an awkward yet surreal moment. We went back and forth for a short time and I even put my phone number out there just in case he wanted to talk or text. No dice.

So I messaged him on a regular basis, talking about where I was coming from and why now. Imagine being a teenager and growing up with a dad that you knew wasn't your biological father. Then one day out of the blue....WHAM, in walks your biological father. How would you react as a teenager?  Wouldn't you want answers to questions that have been gnawing at you for years?

By messaging him I was hoping to answer those questions. I made a mistake. I'm not trying to replace your parents. I just want to give you answers to any questions you have. I don't want to disrupt your life. I just want to be a part of it. I'm trying to fix that mistake. I want to get to know you. When you're ready, I'm ready.

All went well well for a while and then suddenly all contact stopped. No explanation as to why. It just stopped.  Oddly enough my daughter ran into him one day at the mall. She immediately recognized him and cautiously approached him. They talked for a brief moment and he told her, 'There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about things. Now is just not the right time.'

I understand. I've tried to imagine being in his shoes and I'm not sure how I'd react. Part of me thinks that I would at least explore things. Having lost my father I realize how important family is. Being me I also realize how I have this me vs the world attitude and would instantly get defensive.

It kills me on a daily basis knowing that there's another part of me out there. What little I got to know of him told me that we are so much alike. It's uncanny. He's more like me than any of my other children. Nature 1, nurture 0. We like the same movies, music, sports, and reading.

Just writing this makes me feel a certain way. I can't really describe it.

I'm now at the point where I'm trying to decide what to do. Or is there even a decision to a make? I just don't know and that's the worst position in my mind, indecisiveness.

Time won't give me time

...they make lovers feel like they've got something real. The lyrics to that song are fairly simple yet there's a lot going on in them that resonate on different levels for me.

 This could be the best place yet
But you must overcome your fears

I know this to be true. I have fears. We all have fears. My fears are so far ranging and some even irrational.

I fear success. I don't fear failure. I fear that that I will be so successful at something that I will have to keep raising the bar. I've always been like this, from elementary school to now. I skate by in life knowing that my absolute mediocre effort is enough to satisfy most. My saying is, 'Under promise, over deliver.' It causes complacency in my everyday life. I'm scared at this point in my life that I'm so grounded in my ways that I can't change that.

The time has nothing to show because
Time won't give me time

Taken literally, I have many days where I feel like I've gotten nothing accomplished. It's a shitty feeling. I waste a lot of time, a lot of days only to feel overwhelmed at the end. This is another life long battle for me.

I lead a very busy life but am I really getting the most out of it? Not by a huge margin. Believe it or not I actually have a great go to excuse for that. We'll dive in to that another time. If I say it, I'm only making more excuses no matter how valid it sounds in my head.

This weekend was a prime example. I had so many plans about what I was going to do, how I was going to get caught up and none of it happened. I had a curve balls thrown in my direction and I allowed it to derail my entire weekend.

So how do I fix it? I think I have to set goals.  If you have no measure of success, how do you know you're successful? I'm going to set goals every Monday morning. At the end of the week I'll revisit them and see what I've accomplished.

This week's goals.

1. Lift weights 3 days 
2. Go running 2 times
3. Eat clean all week
4. Wash my car
5. Get caught up at work by Friday

So that's how I'm starting my Monday, hopeful and motivated.

Stop Go

Life has a funny way of getting in the way of...life. Even the best laid plans hit a bump in the road. I've been meaning to hit the gym but that's just not working out. I'm just not working out. It's okay though. In the past I might beat myself up about it but that really got me nowhere fast.

I'm not sure who said it but, 'It's not the number of times you get knocked down that counts, it's the number of times you get up.' The saying goes something like that.

In lieu of the gym I have been eating well though. I think the hardest part of trying to get in shape is the eating part. I've got that in place so it's not as if I'm at a complete standstill.

I think that's just the way I work. Some cosmic force challenges me when it sees things getting better and it throws obstacles in my way. I'm a big believer that life is a living, breathing force of nature. It's a fluid entity that at times presents itself in the form of tests, obstacles. It's as Darwinian in that way. Those who take the challenge head on move on. Those acquiesce to adversity are the same people you know, work with, live with that constantly complain yet do nothing to move forward.

Or maybe it's just the alpha male in me. I refuse to give in. I refuse to give up. It's not in me.

I stood her up

I stood up my date with the gym last night. By the time I got home from all the other activities I was just too tired. I know that sounds like an excuse, really it is.

However all was not lost. I did get my lunch prepped, my clothes ready, and I even packed my gym bag. This was a good alternative to missing the gym. At least my whole day wasn't a waste.

I think one of the keys to my life and finding balance in it is finding a routine. I'm very OCD in that aspect. There are things in my life that have to be a certain way or it won't work for me. For example, if I start something new, it has to be on a Monday. Mondays signals the beginning. It makes sense to start something at the beginning right?

Well I'm trying to break away from that. I'm trying to step outside my comfort zone and challenge myself a little bit. One thing I know about me is that I rise to challenges. I have this mile wide stubborn streak that refuses to give in. Breaking habits is going to be tough though. I often wonder why good habits are easy to drop and bad habits are hard to break?

Starting this blog is a key for me and finding balance. I find myself restless at night because I have continuous thoughts running through my head. It's not very conducive to clarity. Using this blog to dump my thoughts will go a long way towards clarity.

Here's to new beginnings, balance, and clarity.

I can admit it

...I'm embarrassed by the way I look. So the question begs, what so I do about it?

Today I took the first step in finding myself. I ate clean. I logged all my food thus far. I have a date with the gym tonight. 

It's not that I want to be the next Mr. Olympia, I just want my body to reflect the good vibes I feel inside. 

I imagine a me that looks good and feels good.

The Beginning

I blogged some years ago before the proliferation of blogging platforms across the Internet. I found it to be a healthy dump of ideas and thoughts as they filled my head.

Going through some personal and mental challenges, I decided I fall back on what worked best in getting my mind out of this funk...blogging. So here I am.

This is my journey in words as best described by me.