Strangely estranged

I have a son with whom I've never had any real contact with. Long story short, his mother and I went through some legal wranglings that resulted in my getting a restraining order on her for a time. It was bad.

Thanks to the power of google and social networking I came across him in recent years. One day I decided to contact him. It was an awkward yet surreal moment. We went back and forth for a short time and I even put my phone number out there just in case he wanted to talk or text. No dice.

So I messaged him on a regular basis, talking about where I was coming from and why now. Imagine being a teenager and growing up with a dad that you knew wasn't your biological father. Then one day out of the blue....WHAM, in walks your biological father. How would you react as a teenager?  Wouldn't you want answers to questions that have been gnawing at you for years?

By messaging him I was hoping to answer those questions. I made a mistake. I'm not trying to replace your parents. I just want to give you answers to any questions you have. I don't want to disrupt your life. I just want to be a part of it. I'm trying to fix that mistake. I want to get to know you. When you're ready, I'm ready.

All went well well for a while and then suddenly all contact stopped. No explanation as to why. It just stopped.  Oddly enough my daughter ran into him one day at the mall. She immediately recognized him and cautiously approached him. They talked for a brief moment and he told her, 'There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about things. Now is just not the right time.'

I understand. I've tried to imagine being in his shoes and I'm not sure how I'd react. Part of me thinks that I would at least explore things. Having lost my father I realize how important family is. Being me I also realize how I have this me vs the world attitude and would instantly get defensive.

It kills me on a daily basis knowing that there's another part of me out there. What little I got to know of him told me that we are so much alike. It's uncanny. He's more like me than any of my other children. Nature 1, nurture 0. We like the same movies, music, sports, and reading.

Just writing this makes me feel a certain way. I can't really describe it.

I'm now at the point where I'm trying to decide what to do. Or is there even a decision to a make? I just don't know and that's the worst position in my mind, indecisiveness.